I am a woman of many gifts and talents. I can talk on the phone and do house chores at the same time. I am able to day dream while driving to a destination and then have absolutely NO recollection of how I arrived safely at said destination. I can drink 3 cups of coffee in one day without feeling too jittery. AND I carry on a conversation with my husband, my older son and my younger son....at the same time.(This one might be up for some debate. Super Rock Star seems to be able to tell when I'm not fully listening to him, my older son usually is talking about something that requires an intelligent response that "uh huh" doesn't always cover, and my younger son as I've mentioned before requires active listening in all of his mile long narratives)
But there are 3 things that I feel like I SHOULD be able to do, but I. just. can't
1. Turn left into a parking space: I have major TLIAPS anxiety--ESPECIALLY when both spaces on either side are occupied. I have NO idea why--it may date back to a few years ago I drove one of those hugely obnoxious SUV's. You know, the ones that really should have a truckers blow horn to signal that you're coming down the road. I dinged more car doors in the brief year and a half that I owned that monster than I ever have in my lifetime. (I always left a note for the poor owner that made the unfortunate mistake of parking in my area. So humiliating!). In those days I got quite used to parking in the outer reaches of the lot so I could avoid the tornado like damage I typically caused in my behemoth on wheels. I had previously never been aware of my inability to park to the left, but when you're driving a car the size of a 747-- one quickly becomes rather aware of ones limitations.
The psychological damage was done. These days I will circle around a parking lot, park WAY out in the boonies, or just procrastinate my store trip all in effort to avoid to a TLIAPS situation. The only exception is when Super Rock Star is with me. I haven't had the courage to tell him about this rather embarrassing shortcoming and-- as I will share with you some day--all things driving are all things important to Super Rock Star. So in an effort to impress him and-- as I mentioned-- to hide my shame I will usually try to attempt it. But, alas it usually ends up like that scene in Austin Powers when he is trying to turn the car around in the hall way. (Side note: I also have UELFAPS anxiety --Unable to Exit Left From A Parking Space)
2. Stay within my weekly grocery budget: I have a pretty good rhythm for our grocery buying needs--I make menu lists and so on-- and to be quite honest I feel I allow myself PLENTY to spend. So, why week after week do I always go over? I know what you're thinking--I should increase my budget. Yeah, I've tried that, but it doesn't seem to matter. If I budget $75, I spend $100. If I budget $100 I spend $125 and on and on it goes. I know what else you're thinking--"Jen, they have these handy dandy radical new inventions called calculators. As you go through the store you could--you know--keep track." I've tried that too--but, I swear, it's like the food prices on the items I've put in my basket increase as I go through the store (kind of like how I gain 10 lbs if I even LOOK at chocolate cake. only different). Every step I take toward the check out the food in my basket has a little meeting and change their bar code thingy's and everything becomes more than I calculated (It's just a theory. I haven't actually witnessed these food meetings. Yet.) (On a side note--there really is NOTHING creepier to me than talking food)
A few years ago I got into the whole couponing craze that was sweeping the nation. I would watch that reality show--Extreme Couponing (you know the one where they by like a gagillion items and only spend $4.92), read blogs about which stores had what deals (sometimes leaving at 10:00 at night so I could go nab that freebie) (it's a total sickness) and each week I printed out my trusty list of sweet deals, clipped my coupons and off I went to the 45 stores so I could take advantage of doubling down on each and every product that I did not need. Oh, sure, I got 122 tubes of free toothpaste, 65 boxes of didn't have to pay for them instant potatoes, and I felt PRETTY smug when I would go through the check out and see my before total and watch as each coupon drove the price down to well below our starting point. It was such an emotional high and VERY addictive. Except I realized that I rarely ever came home with things we actually like to eat or WAY too many of products we didn't need. If I did happen to stumble across something my family liked I had to tell them to not get used to it--it was bought with a deal and coupon. Code for: we will never be able to afford buying this again. I ended up donating most of my haul (fancy word they use in the biz for all of the free crap I got) And to make it worse--I usually ended up overspending my budget on those trips too. But, hey, who doesn't need a cart load of cheap soap?
Even on the RARE occasions that I do end up staying within my limit, I will usually get home and realize that I forgot to purchase several things on my list. UGH!! It's so aggravating!
3. Start a new Toilet Paper roll without creating a carnage of paper pieces: I'm not sure what kind of glue they use to hold the end piece on a roll of toilet paper in place--but I'm pretty certain it came from NASA or some other high tech smarty pants place. I'm SURE that there is a neat and tidy way that the manufacturer INTENDS for me to peel back the first layer, but I'm telling you, it is WAY over my head. I can't do it. Last night I was changing out a toilet paper roll (again) (I'm apparently the ONLY one in the house that knows how to operate the highly complicated spring loaded contraption that holds the roll in place--but I digress) and I attempted to try to get the thing rolling (so to speak) and-- I'm not even kidding--the end would NOT come loose. I tried doing the delicate brushing thing with the pads of my fingers, I tried using my finger nails to pry it loose--nuttin. I had a colossal mess of tiny pieces of paper as I pecked and pinched at the stupid thing trying to get some sort of starting point going. By the time I finally got it--half of the toilet paper from the roll lay in chunks all over the floor.
Anyone else struggle with these? Please tell me I'm not alone in this....Anyone?
I wish I could say these were the only things that seem simple to do but are not for me. Unfortunately, this is just my top 3.(I could probably star in a reality show on this topic--"People Who are Complete Dorks and the Society That Endures Them") (It's just a working title) Someday I hope to be cured of my TLIAPS anxiety, stay within my grocery budget and unroll toilet paper neatly. Until then I will hobble along in this life recognizing my shortcomings and reaching out to those of you who share my pain.
