I'm a bit behind on some topics I wanted to write about, so forgive me if I overload in the next couple days. I don't think I could ever make it as a competitive writer such as a newspaper reporter, Lois Lane type. I'm pretty sure I would always get out scooped since my writing tends to be not only meandering and unfocused at times, but I'm also really lousy at putting it out there in a timely manner.
For instance; Super Rock Star and I celebrated our 21st wedding anniversary on September 3rd. As you can see it is well past September 3rd. However, I REALLY wanted to post about the things I've learned about marriage in 21 years. It would have been SO cool to have this all ready to go on our actual anniversary, but alas, life happens and I'm a chronic procrastinator. Plus, I was struggling to come up with 21. It's really more like 5, but saying I've only learned 5 things in 21 years doesn't sound very impressive. Just ignore the bits that sound like repeats. It's 21. Yeah, definitely 21 distinct things I've learned.
So, here it is. The list you all have been waiting for, that I have built up with tingling excitement and anticipation (oooh! I can't wait to see what it says!). Drum Roll please! (This is the part where folks that can roll their tongues and make the cool drum roll sound and for those of us that are unfortunately unable to make this sound we sputter like a motor boat or slap our legs in a drum roll rhythm)
21 Things I have Learned in 21 years of Marriage
1. Choose to stay married to your spouse and choose to love them every day. Yes, this is a choice you must make. Some days are easier to do this than other. Wretched morning breath and under the bed covers passing of gas can sometimes seriously damper the will to do this, but marriage is, at times,a sacrifice of our will.
2. Choose to forgive them. Just as loving your spouse is a choice, forgiving them is too. If pain can be inflicted by anyone, it is even more so by our spouses. You have to choose to forgive for the small annoyances (piles of clothes left laying around) as well as the big hurtful things.
3. Feelings follow actions. I was so relieved when I ran across this bit of wisdom a few years ago. Because some days, I just don't feel like...fill in the blank: being kind, doing nice things, listening, and yes,even loving and forgiving. But, I find that when I go against my selfish feelings and just do the thing, I not only feel better, but it makes me feel more loving toward my husband and about him.
4. It's o.k. to be angry and argue. For some reason TV, romance novels and movies have us all convinced that if you're fighting with your spouse something must be terribly wrong. That's a lie. Fighting and arguing are normal and healthy. It's important to remain civil and respectful when this happens, but a good healthy fight about stuff that's built up is very cleansing and can help draw you closer.
5. It's also o.k. to go to bed without making everything better. The Bible says to not let the sun go down on our anger. In other words...YOU need to make sure your not angry. But, that doesn't mean you have to hash it all out before going to sleep. My husband and I have two very different ways of dealing with conflict. I'm a people pleaser and I NEED everything to be okay, no one mad at me and all be right with the world so I can move on. He, on the other hand, needs time and space. Sometimes we both need to take time to cool down or we'll end up saying hurtful things.
6. Talk about the stuff. Even if you need some time or they need some time. You need to talk about it eventually. Not talking can be deadly to a marriage. Get counseling if you need to.
7. Find fun things that you enjoy doing together. During the early years of our marriage we had gotten into a bad habit of him doing his thing and me doing my thing and we began living separate lives. My husband has many hobbies; watching football, fishing, singing, watching horror movies...etc. I have many hobbies too; sewing, reading, doing home project, hiking, running...etc.. As you can see our hobbies don't really match. But, I have learned over the years to really enjoy most of his hobbies--I have learned to love fishing and watching football (Go Cowboys!), and sometimes we lead worship together for churches and such. As far as horror movies--I tried, but no, he's on his own on this one. Same thing for him with running and sewing. He tried, but it's not his thing and that's o.k.
8. Build your house together. I don't mean the structure itself, I mean the parts in it. It's your home. It's your haven from the rest of the world. Do it together. For some this may seem strange, but when Super Rock Star and I look around our home, we enjoy seeing the history of our lives--the things we've collected, the pictures, the memories of doing projects. All of it becomes our glue for our home and our lives together.
9. Keep going on dates. I know you've seen this one before, but it is worth repeating. Life can get so busy and hectic that we forget to just be together. Since my boys have started back to school, we've enjoyed getting away to a couple movies during the week days and shopping.Whatever your stage in life, find some time for just the two of you--even if it's a few minutes after the kids have gone to bed to just hang out and be together.
10. Kiss and say I love you at least once every day. Super Rock Star used to joke around and say "I said it once, if I change my mind I'll let you know" (make sure you say this in your thickest hick accent and add a burp at the end). I feel very lucky that there hasn't been too many days in all our years together that he hasn't told me he loves me. It's special and it means the world to me.
11. Don't flirt with others. Period. Some think this is harmless, but it is very harmful and breeds jealousy and insecurity. Neither of which help make a healthy happy marriage.
12. Don't even joke about divorce. I love Ruth Graham's response when asked if she ever considered divorcing Billy Graham. "Divorce? No. Murder? Yes." Probably best to not joke about murder either. I don't want something horrible to happen to my husband and then me end up in jail because my friends said something along the lines of "well, she did say she would kill him if he forgot one more time to pick up his dirty socks" (again, it with your thickest hick accent). But, with divorce, even speaking about it in jest plants a dirty little seed of discontent.
13. Listen. When your spouse has something to say to you, put down your phone, book, pause the television show you are watching and listen with eye contact. Again, life can be so busy and moves so fast. Nothing can make a person feel more lonely and isolated than to be ignored or only half heard in their own home with the one they love. On the flip side nothing makes one feel more appreciated and important to someone than to be really heard by the one they love and having them genuinely interested.
14. Respect each other. I know we all promised to do this for each other (along with love and cherish) on our wedding days, but it's a good reminder. My eyes have practically rolled out of their sockets at times with my husband when I'm feeling particularly disrespectful. It's one of those things along with some of the others I've mentioned that's a choice to do. To have respect for each other brings feelings of closeness and building together, to not have it brings feelings of isolation, hostility and distance.
15. Speak highly of each other. This goes along with respect. It's a way of showing your spouse that, "Hey, even when your not around, I still think the world of you and I want others to know it".
16. Give each other genuine, specific compliments. I don't mean flattery or just saying empty words. Notice each other, tell each other what you like, and build each other up.
17. Love the one your with. Infidelity is rampant in our society these days. Since Super Rock Star's band plays a lot of clubs, I'm around a lot of folks looking for love most weekends. Trust me, the singles scene for 30's 40's and 50 somethings is not even remotely appealing in my opinion. The grass is not greener on the other side. Love your grass and if it's not green, water and nurture it until it is. Capiche?
18. It's okay to have your own thing too. I mentioned earlier that it's good to have things to do together, but I also believe it's good to have things you do apart. For him it's music, for me it's running and reading. It gives us more to talk about and share with each other and another way to show genuine interest in each other. Although, my husband will never understand the running thing. His belief is that if you are not being chased there is no need to run. Ha!
19. Give each other physical love often. Yes, I'm talking about what you think I'm talking about. To be honest this should be in the top 5. (#1 for Super Rock Star. Ha!) If you are newly married, you are probably thinking "what?! impossible! But, again, with the busy, hectic life thing--especially when children enter the picture, things get put on the back burner. Just trust me--don't let that happen. But, also remember to hug, cuddle, and hold hands. The world can seem harsh and ugly sometimes. Nothing makes me feel better instantly than just a big ole hug from my man.
20. Inside jokes are essential. In the 21 years we have been together, he and I almost have our own language. So many things he can say to me and I know exactly what he's talking about that no one else would. Movie quotes(most any line from The Princess Bride), song lyrics (we have conversations in song around our house), it's only growing as our boys have added to our language too.
21. Think about each other when you are apart. We save a lot of our conversation till the end of the day. But, all throughout the day I am thinking about him and of things that I want to tell him about. The silly but sometimes dangerous part for us is that we each have experienced times of having imaginary conversations with each other and then forgotten to have the actual conversation. Deep confusion and chaos occurs when it has to do with scheduling something ("I told you about that 3 weeks ago!" "Um, no you didn't." )
So, there you have it. The things I have learned about marriage in my 21 years of marriage. Now, let's be clear, I've learned these things, but I can't honestly say that I always remember to put them into practice. I am sure many of you have things you would add and I would love to hear about them. The bottom line is staying married is a decision you make every day. Some days marriage can be really hard. If you're in a hard time, just remember it's temporary. I have personally experienced my feelings following my actions. When I choose him, my feelings for him grow. Also, marriage is fun. No one makes me belly laugh harder than my husband. He is truly my favorite person and I love that our years together just keep solidifying him as my best friend. Happy 21 years Babe!
No comments:
Post a Comment