Day after day, I make a plan, I start to implement it and BOOM--something happens to throw my world into COMPLETE chaos (or mildly disrupted--it depends on your perspective). Whether it's something as small as one of my children forgetting something at home so I have to spend an unplanned 20 minutes of my day (which is clearly slated to be designated to exercise time) to go take it to them at school, or the car is out of gas and I (UGH!) have to spend an excruciating 15 minutes watching the meter click at an interminably slow pace which has now forced me to be behind during my running errands scheduled time slot or, the one that nearly sends me over the edge of my sanity--the super chatty sales clerk at the store. Oh. My. Goodness. I DO NOT need to hear about how your head cold is making you feel all sluggish and that management won't let you go home as you sneeze and cough and sputter your woes to me while ringing my purchase at an excruciating slow speed. Keep your head down, sister, and just scan, scan, scan-- make it snappy! It goes on and on--interruptions that destroy and upset my perfectly laid out plan of how I wanted to spend my time that day.
But, boy have I been convicted lately on this issue. I realized I was being absolutely hateful to everyone I came in contact with--even those I love the most--all because I felt that their "interruptions" or "slowness" or even silly changes in plan were taking precious time away from my time spent on my list. One example was last week--Super Rock Star normally practices on Tuesday nights, but last week the band decided to cancel practice. Now, what I had planned on doing was--what I always do while he's at practice which is read a book and relaxing--it was on my list. Item # 22.786 sub paragraph 2. With the change in schedule I ended up snuggling with my hubby while we watched shows. Oh the horror (dripping sarcasm) Ridiculous Right? It's enjoyable to sit with him and enjoy giggling at our favorite shows together, but because of my over the top control freak desire to stick to my plan--I was grumpy and groany and made sure he realized that changing his plans was NOT making me very happy.
As you can imagine, when I see their crumpled little faces or when I see the look of rejection in Super Rock Stars face--I realize they must wonder " what in the world is wrong with this woman"? Why can't I just lighten up? Why do I feel SO defeated when things go awry? Why am I trying so hard to control my life rather than just live it? So, in the quiet of my time with the Lord, He leads me to realize that everything I am fighting against--the interruptions, the changes in plan, the unscheduled events--ARE His plan for me. Get it? God is trying to show me He has a plan for my life every day and it is not what I thought (or planned) it would be. I'm not saying it's totally wrong to have an outline for you day--goals or things you would like to get done--but the way I have been handling it has been totally wrong. I have used my lists as my marching orders and like a good little soldier I want to complete them so I feel complete. But God is saying "No,no, no, no, child--My plans for you are different. My ways are NOT your ways." He wants me to seek Him in everything--including how to spend my day. He wants to grow me, stretch me, create in me a desire to be more like Him and if I am just following my own agenda--I'll miss it. I'll miss those opportunities to grow closer to my husband, I'll miss those opportunities to engage with my children and just laugh and be silly with them, I'll miss those opportunities to show kindness, patience, respect to a stranger. I'll miss out on showing Jesus' love to those who desperately need it--all because I am so focused on some silly non important things I wrote down on a piece of paper.
Earlier this week I challenged myself to at least try to be more flexible if some hiccup disrupted what I had scheduled. As you can imagine it took nano seconds for God to let me test this out. MY plan for the day was to follow my older son's bus to the destination for his field trip and then run some errands, go home and get some house work done that I was behind on, take a rest, do some reading maybe and then pick up both boys after school. THAT was the plan, but what happened was NOT the plan. Oh sure, I followed the bus, got to see him safely into the building, take off in my car whistling a happy tune of freedom.. and then...my phone rings. It's his teacher wondering if I could stay and be an extra chaperon for the field trip since the one who was supposed to go cancelled. Sigh! "O.K." , I say, "I'll turn around and be right back". Mentally, I'm calculating that I will now no longer have time to do ANY of the things I planned to do that day. The field trip is to see a two hour play put on by young adults that I will now GET to watch with my son and about 200 other noisy, rambunctious 2nd and 3rd graders. Oh, joy! I realized that by the time the play finished and following the bus back to the school I would barely have enough time to get a load of laundry in before it was time to head back to the school for pick up.
The whole time I drove back to the field trip destination I mentally coached myself to get into the moment. But, I'll be honest--I wasn't there. I did this VERY begrudgingly and not AT ALL with a good attitude. I plastered on a smile and sat next to my son. But, as soon as the play started and I had surrendered to the realization that my plan for the day had been blown (that I was trapped and there was no where to run or hide), I relaxed. My son thoroughly enjoyed the play--and to be honest--I did too. I LOVED his look of pride and joy when he saw me come in to sit next to him. I LOVED watching him laugh and really get into the story and I LOVED how he clung to me almost the entire two hours. But, most of all I loved that somehow I knew I had permission to enjoy this moment in time.
You see, I think as Moms we feel like were supposed to be doing doing doing all the time. Especially as a stay at home Mom--I constantly feel like I have to justify my existence and "earn my keep" so to speak. I think that's why I'm always pushing myself so hard to get so much done. But, this experience has taught me something so huge I can hardly put it into words. At any given time, God has us where we are for purpose. For me that means being fully here for my family, rolling with it when my plans change and engaging and being kind to the strangers He places in my path almost every day. It means allowing God to "interrupt" my schedule so that I can be what He wants me to be for someone else and be in the moment rather than chasing after the next item on my list. As with all the lessons He's teaching me, this one does not come easily. As I walk through this life-- trying so hard to shed this snake skin of my sinful nature that longs to be selfish-- and replace it with being more selfless and putting others needs before my own, I find that the Lord blesses me with the feelings of significance and sense of completion I long for. When I put my agenda before His, all I feel is miserable.
As I walked Morgan out to his bus after the play he gave me the biggest hug and whispered "I'm so glad you stayed". That, folks, is all the encouragement I need to try to do this Momma/Wife thing better all the time.
1 comment:
Ah yes, I've SO been there. It's quite freeing when you learn to let go a bit. And the verse that I cling to is Proverbs 16:9 "A man's heart plans his way but the Lord directs his steps." Yep, you can keep making lists and plans, but hold them loosely. And when those interruptions pop up, just tell yourself, "God's not surprised by this. He knows what He's doing." :-)
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