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Momma's Log January 19, 2016 (Kwrp)

So....how's every one doing?  Are you keeping up with all your New Years resolutions? Working out 5 days a week, not eating as much, not spending as much, making sure you are kind to each and every person you encounter?  Yeah...me neither.  It's always amusing to me how much time and effort I put into writing, planning and getting my hopes up each year only to get to just about this point and realize I have blown every promise I made to myself.  There is a flaw in the system I think.

I've been  reading a lot about how folks are choosing to write goals rather than resolutions for their up coming year. To be honest--the suspicious, un-trusting side of me thinks that we HAD to come up with another name for it--because we all know that the word RESOLUTIONS is a set up for certain failures.  Whereas the word GOAL has some meaning to it--it's a word we can sink our teeth into.  We're not saying we WILL do it, but that we will TRY to do it.  And something about that difference seems to make all the difference.  So, I have jumped right on that band wagon and spent the last two weeks considering, pondering, scrutinizing and yes even praying about goals that I want to achieve this year.  I'm even following the experts advice and breaking into smaller pieces--month by month, etc.. however, I am NOT following their advice (at least not yet) to write out the "how I'm going to achieve this goal". It's too much pressure. And to be perfectly honest--on some of them--I don't know how I will achieve this goal.  One of my goals is a financial goal--to payoff some debt. Since I don't have any plans of getting a job outside of the home at this point and no money fairy has appeared at our door step--I'm thinking I'm going to have to get creative on this one.

The vague "how to" I can come up with is --cut back on expenses (Oh how I DESPISE doing that--it's SO hard!) and find things to sell (not Super Rock Star's guitars or the bajillion Lego's my boys have collected  that seem to be worth a fortune).  But the biggest "how to" for me is a decision--a goal--to stay home more.  I know what you're probably thinking--"but aren't you a stay at home mom?  Isn't that what you're kinda SUPPOSED to be doing?".  You're right.  I am supposed to be staying home--and for the most part I do.  But, I'll be honest.  This past 5 months brought on a bit of an unexpected emotional crisis for me.  For the first time in forever--I was left ALONE.  With my boys now both in school all day-- it is a strange new world that has taken a lot more getting used to than I expected.  When they were home--there was always some activity, play date, park to go to and my days were fully wrapped around them.  Oh sure--I did some things for myself too--Super Rock Star would give me a day to myself and I would go out and enjoy.  But to be home. by myself. unsupervised. without anyone yelling at me, no fights to break up, and no super ridiculous crafts and projects to come up with.  It's just been me and it's taking some getting used to.

Now, some of you may wonder--why don't you go back to work--get a job?

It's a fair question.  The short answer is:  I'm not ready.  B.C. (before children) I worked A LOT.   I had my own business, I worked for a business, and sometimes I worked for a second or even third business.  At one point I had a full time job and 3 part time jobs.  To say that I got burned out is a HUGE understatement.  When we found out we were pregnant that first time, I looked forward to being a stay at home mom.  I was finally going to get to just sit around and eat bon bons, while enjoying the gentle coos of my newborn and I would fa la la and prance around the house all day long. (BWA HA HA HA!!) But, even with all the challenges (there is a dream killer of all new Mom's and thy name is "Colic"!) I have really enjoyed being home with my boys.

I love the freedom and joy of getting to stay in my jammies all day if I want and plan how I spend my time.  And I thought I was REALLY looking forward to having whole days to myself when my boys DID finally both go to school full time.  Trust me, it has come as quite a shock that I struggled with it so much when that day came.  For those of you out there that are truly pining away for that day--there is one word for it. WEIRD.  It is SO weird to have had your humans all around you 24/7 and then all of a sudden--silence.  And it's not the kind of silence that's golden.  Oh, sure--the first hour or so....well, it is amazing.  It's so nice to be able to have complete uninterrupted thoughts, to go to the bathroom and take a shower without "visitors", but then, after that it just feels-- weird.

At first, it felt sort of like I was doing something I wasn't supposed to be.

I'm kind of like "wait a minute...I know what this is... any second now, someone's going to pop through my door and say--"fooled ya"! You don't get to be alone--that's for grown ups!"  But, to be alone in my home for 7 uninterrupted hours has been a little TOO MUCH even for this introvert.  So, I have NOT been staying home as much as I should.  I have invented reasons to leave the house, to go "looking" at stores (which we ALL know is code for spending money we don't have), I just had a need to be around noise/people.  That obviously doesn't work for very long--my home started looking and feeling like a wreck, I was flying by the seat of my pants in organizing and I generally felt grumpy.  Because, by the time I came to my senses and got my "noise fill" I was having to rush to get things done--house cleaning, meals fixed and when my boys got home, I felt like I hadn't had ENOUGH time.  Silly huh?  I know some of you out there can relate to what I'm saying.  It's a process and I am fumbling along trying to find my way.  Thanks to some advice from friends I'm finding ways to fill the "noise voids" that were causing me to feel so strange in my own home.  I have found the joy of listening to pod casts, I have a favorite show that I DVR and watch while I do the not so enjoyable chores and tasks that need to be done and I am enjoying reading like I haven't in years.

I have many goals this year that all have a lot to do with financial as well as being more organized and taking better care of our home and my family.  Becoming more purposeful in staying home will surely have a  ripple affect in to all these areas.  I will still venture out--I still need to be around people even if I don't talk to them and, thankfully, I have a really nice Bible study group I get to enjoy every week and they are SUPER considerate of my out of practice social skills (I start talking and I can not stop. I'm thinking I might need to keep a roll of duct tape in my purse--just in case they need a break from my incessant babbling).

I also LOVE living so close to some beautiful hiking trails and I occasionally go out for a little stroll.  But I want my outings to be more purposeful and not just simply to fill a void I feel.

I'm slowly beginning to realize that the emptiness I feel so often is not necessarily loneliness, but hungriness.  And I'm not talking about food (but oh. my. goodness--I really shouldn't be left unsupervised with a full refrigerator within grabbing distance).  The hunger I feel is one I think we all experience.  Sometimes it just takes allowing yourself to be alone, to hear silence and to shut off the distractions to feel it.  I have a hunger to know things.  I want to know more about God and His love for me, I want to know how to be a better wife, mother, friend and caretaker of my home, I want to know how to make creative things (don't worry--I have not joined the ranks of Pinterest or Martha Stewart "who the heck has time for these impossibilities"), I want to know how to change the not so attractive parts of me into being better, I want to learn how to live my life with a purpose and a meaning rather than just existing and surviving day after day.

Sometimes I think it's good to allow the emptiness, the quietness and even the loneliness into our lives--even if it's just for a short window of time.  It says in 1 Kings 19:12 that God's voice is a still small voice.  I don't know about you, but I'm tired of wasting my time doing things my way--making worthless to do lists and failing, failing and failing and feeling like I'm just spinning my wheels. I want to hear the voice of the One who engineered me and created me for a specific purpose.  I want to know what He desires me to do with the time He has doled out to me.  For me--right now--that means staying home.  It is not easy.  Starbucks beckons me every day.  Old Navy is always sending me emails about some fabulous sale they are having.  There always seems to be a reason or excuse to abandon my plan.  But, my hope is that as I TRY to be obedient in this one seemingly insignificant area--that God will show up BIG in all the other areas and that these goal that I have carefully considered and written down will not become a punch line at the end of this year, but that each and every one of them will be completed in victory.

Happy New Year!

Momma's Log January 8, 2016 (Kwrp)

Happy 2016! I hope every one of you is having an awesome year so far--and for those that aren't, I'm praying that things get better very soon (Hey! There's 51 more weeks--chances are good!).  As I write to you this morning, I am enjoying being inside a snow globe.  One of my favorite things about living in Colorado is the beautiful fluffy snow that visits us about every 3 weeks in the winter and then the sun comes out and it disappears--so you're never too long with the same ole same ole. It's been snowing on and off for the last 24 hours or so and it's beautiful!  On my morning walk it felt like I had just tumbled out of the back of a giant wardrobe and landed in Narnia.

I had a brief moment of panic last night when Super Rock Star announced that the roads were snow packed on his way home from work and with the snow still falling all I could think was:  "They won't cancel school will they?"


I know, I know.  What kind of Momma am I that I would WISH for my children to be out from under foot?  (I can almost hear my own Mom saying, "It all goes by so fast, you will be wishing for the noise, chaos, dirty underwear--o.k. I made that part up--some day) (Spoken with a wistful, quavery, forlorn voice) Yeah. I'm not there yet.  After 3 weeks of almost constant companionship, Lego building, cookie making, craft doing and kids movie watching-- I've been in need of a bit of space.  I knew that Super Rock Star was getting there too when he seemed a bit too eager to spend an afternoon on our roof top taking the Christmas lights down last week.

But, even when my husband and children are not in my home--they are still very much a part of my life.  Sometimes Super Rock Star needs me to pick something up for him or take care of some small annoyance that he can't get to since he's in meetings all day. (Today's joy is contacting our Internet provider since it goes out at least once a day and is turtle slow even though we upgraded to a faster speed just 3 months ago--spoken while gritting my teeth and my best dead eye stare).  And my boys--well they ALWAYS have left me something to do--laundry left strewn around, toys blocking the stairs.  My favorite though, has been my youngest--Grayson.  He has two VERY favorite stuffed animals--Baby and Den.

They are his children and they are very real to him.  Long before my boys were in school we would have a schedule we kept every day and it always included some sort of learning time, playing, sometimes video games on the iPad, maybe watching a TV show and nap time.  So, he has asked me to make sure I incorporate all of this for Baby and Den this week.  When I pick him up from school, he wants to know their progress and a full report on how they did.  It is the most precious thing EVER!

Nope--No sittin around eating bon bon's for this Momma.  Huh, I guess it's pretty obvious that I DO miss my family when they aren't here (posing your child's stuffed animals throughout your house might be a bit of a clue) (might be time to get a dog) (don't tell Super Rock Star that I said that).

Having a little quiet to myself is a good thing, but I also really love having some quiet time with the Lord.  When I spend time with the Lord--just He and I--reading His Word, praying for those I love, seeking Him for wisdom and discernment on how I can do this life better, I feel hope.  And when I feel hope, I feel joy, and when I feel joy I feel content, and when I feel content, I want to spend time with others and encourage those who desperately need it.  The negative voices in my head (my seemingly constant unwanted companions) want me to feel defeated all the time--always reminding me about my failures, shortcomings, and wanting me to hide from the world because who would ever want to be around such a useless, flawed  individual like me? But, God reminds me that I am loved and cherished ALWAYS by Him and that none of my human qualities and my tendency to be a little unsavory now and then (o.k. constantly) will EVER change how He feels about me. He loves me--period.  Redemption is just an ask away.  Forgiveness is constant.  The hope of change is forthcoming.

As we begin a new year and look forward with hope (I hope) to becoming more of whom we were created to be--a better parent, spouse, teacher, student, lawyer, politician (please. someone. anyone--take a stab at this one--will you?), friend, pastor, barista (God bless you and your gift for making delicious caffeinated beverages!), whatever you have been gifted at--I pray that this year will bring you giant leaps forward to following the dreams that were planted in you before the creation of this universe. I will be here if you need a cheerleader (with pom poms and a hearty "GO TEAM"!), friend, encourager, supporter, sounding board for your great ideas (I could REALLY use some) and especially if you just need a place to come and enjoy reading about my family adventures, lessons I learn as I attempt to figure out this being a wife, mom and decent human being thing, triumphs I enjoy when I learn something that works,  mistakes I make and what I hopefully learn from them, and mostly just stories from the daily blooper reel that is my life.