So....how's every one doing? Are you keeping up with all your New Years resolutions? Working out 5 days a week, not eating as much, not spending as much, making sure you are kind to each and every person you encounter? Yeah...me neither. It's always amusing to me how much time and effort I put into writing, planning and getting my hopes up each year only to get to just about this point and realize I have blown every promise I made to myself. There is a flaw in the system I think.
I've been reading a lot about how folks are choosing to write goals rather than resolutions for their up coming year. To be honest--the suspicious, un-trusting side of me thinks that we HAD to come up with another name for it--because we all know that the word RESOLUTIONS is a set up for certain failures. Whereas the word GOAL has some meaning to it--it's a word we can sink our teeth into. We're not saying we WILL do it, but that we will TRY to do it. And something about that difference seems to make all the difference. So, I have jumped right on that band wagon and spent the last two weeks considering, pondering, scrutinizing and yes even praying about goals that I want to achieve this year. I'm even following the experts advice and breaking into smaller pieces--month by month, etc.. however, I am NOT following their advice (at least not yet) to write out the "how I'm going to achieve this goal". It's too much pressure. And to be perfectly honest--on some of them--I don't know how I will achieve this goal. One of my goals is a financial goal--to payoff some debt. Since I don't have any plans of getting a job outside of the home at this point and no money fairy has appeared at our door step--I'm thinking I'm going to have to get creative on this one.
Now, some of you may wonder--why don't you go back to work--get a job?
It's a fair question. The short answer is: I'm not ready. B.C. (before children) I worked A LOT. I had my own business, I worked for a business, and sometimes I worked for a second or even third business. At one point I had a full time job and 3 part time jobs. To say that I got burned out is a HUGE understatement. When we found out we were pregnant that first time, I looked forward to being a stay at home mom. I was finally going to get to just sit around and eat bon bons, while enjoying the gentle coos of my newborn and I would fa la la and prance around the house all day long. (BWA HA HA HA!!) But, even with all the challenges (there is a dream killer of all new Mom's and thy name is "Colic"!) I have really enjoyed being home with my boys.
At first, it felt sort of like I was doing something I wasn't supposed to be.
I'm kind of like "wait a minute...I know what this is... any second now, someone's going to pop through my door and say--"fooled ya"! You don't get to be alone--that's for grown ups!" But, to be alone in my home for 7 uninterrupted hours has been a little TOO MUCH even for this introvert. So, I have NOT been staying home as much as I should. I have invented reasons to leave the house, to go "looking" at stores (which we ALL know is code for spending money we don't have), I just had a need to be around noise/people. That obviously doesn't work for very long--my home started looking and feeling like a wreck, I was flying by the seat of my pants in organizing and I generally felt grumpy. Because, by the time I came to my senses and got my "noise fill" I was having to rush to get things done--house cleaning, meals fixed and when my boys got home, I felt like I hadn't had ENOUGH time. Silly huh? I know some of you out there can relate to what I'm saying. It's a process and I am fumbling along trying to find my way. Thanks to some advice from friends I'm finding ways to fill the "noise voids" that were causing me to feel so strange in my own home. I have found the joy of listening to pod casts, I have a favorite show that I DVR and watch while I do the not so enjoyable chores and tasks that need to be done and I am enjoying reading like I haven't in years.
I'm slowly beginning to realize that the emptiness I feel so often is not necessarily loneliness, but hungriness. And I'm not talking about food (but oh. my. goodness--I really shouldn't be left unsupervised with a full refrigerator within grabbing distance). The hunger I feel is one I think we all experience. Sometimes it just takes allowing yourself to be alone, to hear silence and to shut off the distractions to feel it. I have a hunger to know things. I want to know more about God and His love for me, I want to know how to be a better wife, mother, friend and caretaker of my home, I want to know how to make creative things (don't worry--I have not joined the ranks of Pinterest or Martha Stewart "who the heck has time for these impossibilities"), I want to know how to change the not so attractive parts of me into being better, I want to learn how to live my life with a purpose and a meaning rather than just existing and surviving day after day.
Sometimes I think it's good to allow the emptiness, the quietness and even the loneliness into our lives--even if it's just for a short window of time. It says in 1 Kings 19:12 that God's voice is a still small voice. I don't know about you, but I'm tired of wasting my time doing things my way--making worthless to do lists and failing, failing and failing and feeling like I'm just spinning my wheels. I want to hear the voice of the One who engineered me and created me for a specific purpose. I want to know what He desires me to do with the time He has doled out to me. For me--right now--that means staying home. It is not easy. Starbucks beckons me every day. Old Navy is always sending me emails about some fabulous sale they are having. There always seems to be a reason or excuse to abandon my plan. But, my hope is that as I TRY to be obedient in this one seemingly insignificant area--that God will show up BIG in all the other areas and that these goal that I have carefully considered and written down will not become a punch line at the end of this year, but that each and every one of them will be completed in victory.
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