A tale of two boys part 2

Momma's Log March 30, 2016 (Kwrp)

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I just wanted to thank everyone who read and responded to my last post written about my older son, Morgan. I am deeply touched and blown away by all of the encouragement and especially the stories many of you shared about your own past or present struggle with the issues I addressed.  I can't begin to tell you how God is using that in helping us determine a plan of action for our son.  Thank you, thank you thank you!
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Meet Grayson.

AKA Johnny Drama (you have to watch the show Entourage to get this one) (don't you DARE let him see that eensy weensy tiny scratch on his arm. Oh.my.goodness. the dramatic tears and wails this kid can come up with), Sneaky Pete (he is a dirty rotten little scalawag), and cuddle monster (BEST cuddler in the family). Grayson is my second born son and my baby. As you can probably tell by his picture he is a happy, ornery little stinker.  Super Rock Star gives me such a hard time because before we had children I would often pray that God would give us an ornery little boy.  He gave us a double dose.  I plead insanity in that I had no idea what I was asking for. Grayson also has the most tender loving heart, he collects stuffed animals by the bajillion and each one has a name and no sir, you may not put any of them away.  They must all stay in his bed at all times.(it's becoming quite a struggle to find him at night when we check on him) He loves to play with his big brother, play games on computer and card games(thank you Uncle Todd and cousin Taylor for teaching him "war"--we all get to enjoy a daily dose of playing it with him), wrestle with his daddy, cuddle with his Momma, be read to and he has THE BEST giggle I have ever heard in my whole life. 

I learned from day one that even though both my boys grew inside my womb and share a last name--that's about the end of their similarities.

For those of you that have more than one child, you know that the struggle is REAL to keep the illusion of equality in your home.  Everything must be divided exactly in half (or thirds or quarters, etc), if big brother got to have a treat, so does little brother, if you give one a compliment--you must immediately give the other a compliment of equal value, it goes on and on.  Equality is ESPECIALLY important for the younger siblings(I know cause I am one)--they come into this world second and spend a lot of time making sure Momma and Daddy let them do everything their older sibling does in the same time and in the same order.  I even stressed out a little about writing this blog post.  Not that my boys will ever read these, but my Momma brain has been trained to try to do for little brother just as much as I do for big brother.  I'm going to be up all night counting words and making sure I upload the exact same amount of pictures (just kidding. please don't double check me on this.) But, it got me thinking about the whole difference between my boys.

Grayson LOVES school.

Before he ever went to school, he liked to pretend going to school at home.  Now, some of that was little brother wanting to be like big brother--but now that real school has started for him, he is thriving. Doing the worksheets and class work has always been excruciating pain for Morgan, but Grayson LOVES it.  He takes great joy in filling out every blank, drawing every picture and doing EXACTLY as the instructions say.

Grayson loves to communicate.

From the time he wakes up (at 0 dark thirty) to the time he FINALLY closes his precious little eyes he does NOT stop talking.  When he was home with me full time, I would often have to leave the room while I put on a TV show for him and hide just so I could get a little quiet moment (I know. I'm awful. right?).  Morgan will be fully engaged and sit in wide-eyed silence throughout any show or movie, but Grayson feels the need to narrate the entire thing and make sure you are FULLY watching it with him so he can discuss each character and situation.(it's actually pretty fun to take him to a movie--it's a full interactive experience.... for everyone)

He loves to be part of a team.  He will work and play with anyone anywhere.

I've witnessed him be both leader and follower and he is just content as long as he can be around others.  It is a rare moment that he ever wants to be alone, but for Morgan the only time he truly craves company is when he's feeling afraid.

So why do I feel like I NEED to make everything the same? They are not the same person.  They are not the same age. And they DEFINATELY have two distinct personalities.  Our first born child naturally is the one we take the most photos of, have all the original "firsts" with and who blazes the trail for us in our new role as Momma and Daddy. My Dad often jokes that God doesn't give us one to practice on.  Nope--we have to jump feet first into this whole parenthood arena. (did anyone else secretly wish they would send one of the nurses home from the hospital with you?)  Why do we feel so much guilt when that second, third or more comes along and we have let the photo taking slide, our enthusiasm over all the "first's" wanes, and we are often  much more lax in the hygiene department. I'm sure you all have either experienced or read about how with the first child you wash and sanitize every item that could possibly come in contact with your precious bundle, but by the second one--it's a little less of a panic--maybe you rinse or brush it off, and I've heard by the third you have become completely unaware of when anything does drop to the ground (or gets slobbered on by the dog) let alone worry about cleaning it off.  "Germs build the immune system".

It's a HUGE challenge for me to treat my two boys as the wonderful individuals that they are.  I've read that newborns are not completely aware that they are a separate person from their Momma's for many months into their new lives.  With Grayson I'm worried that he is not aware that he is his own individual person apart from his big brother.  He ADORES him, wants to do EVERYTHING with him, and can't stand being APART from him. His most common question as he wonders through our home is "Where's Morgan?"  It's all very sweet except I've noticed that he really tries to please Morgan in his decisions. If I ask "Grayson, what do you want for breakfast?", he will answer "What is Morgan going to have?" or "Grayson, it's your turn to choose a movie. What do you want to watch?"-- he'll ask Morgan's opinion.  Sometimes he will  make his own decision but then turn to his brother to make sure that he accepts it and is pleased with it.  If Morgan expresses displeasure, Grayson will often change his mind.

I'm sure all of this is normal, but I really want to help Grayson learn to make his own decisions, be his own individual self and not worry if his brother thinks it's cool or not.

I really want to teach my boys to appreciate their differences and encourage each other to be better.  I can't tell you how many times I've witnessed Grayson go to our basement playroom with Morgan so he won't feel afraid or how Morgan will often patiently help Grayson learn to build something by himself with Legos. And I LOVE that!  I don't want them to ever feel threatened that we praise one for his individual strengths or feel like they need to be more like the other.  It's SUCH a hard balance.  As a parent we want our kids to grow up feeling confident in who they are and with the gifts and talents that they have been given.  I don't want my boys to ever hear out of my mouth "If you were only more like your brother."

But, the reality is that in some ways--we have to treat them similarly and make things the same.  It would be unjust for me to give chores to Morgan and not to Grayson.  I would be unfair if I expected Grayson to do all of his homework but not require that of Morgan.  In some ways it's just part of life.  As Super Rock Star and I navigate the best course of action for Morgan's educational needs, Grayson is very much a part of the equation. Whether  we change schools, home school or stay put--both boys will be together.  And that decision is every bit for them as it is for us.  They just really love and need to be with each other--even if it's in the same school building.  And it's in this specific instance that my boys differences are actually a huge benefit.  I have full confidence that whatever we choose to do for Morgan, Grayson will roll with it easily.  He's just that way.

It's hard either way.  I want him to know we would do that for him too.  We are a family.  We are in this together. But I'm finding that that the strengths in Morgan (being more creative and daring) become strengths for Grayson.  And in areas where Grayson excels (school work, being generous and kind), Morgan tries a little harder because or his brother.  When Grayson has a baseball game or soccer game--Morgan comes with us.  When Morgan has Tai Kwon Doh or reading tutoring--Grayson is there too.  Both boys have realized that there is a huge benefit to liking and being involved in different things since I let the one watching play games on their I Pads while we wait (This cuts WAY down on whining. Some days it really is all about survival. sigh...) Some day I have hope that they will cheer each other on and truly appreciate and encourage one another in their individual interests and talents.

At the end of the day--it's not necessarily about making it all equal.  And I know that.  It's about making sure everyone in my family knows they are loved and feels they are valued.  To be honest--that's all I really want the most. (that and no having to break up fights over the tiny scrap of paper that they were pretending was a spy laser gun) (and not having to clean up the bathroom because their "aim" was off).  I just pray the dear Lord would help me convey that to my two totally awesome, completely ornery, beautiful boys.  And hopefully someday they will see that even though I got it wrong most days--I tried my darnedest to get it right.

A tale of two boys Part 1

Momma's Log March 2, 2016 (Kwrp)

Meet Morgan.

Morgan is my oldest and will be turning 9 later this month.  I find that impossible since it seems I just gave birth to him yesterday.  As you can probably tell from his picture he is full of life, brightness, and a very happy child. He is also very funny, loves to laugh, has his own way of doing things, can be stubborn and hard headed (like his Daddy) and so sweet and caring (like his Momma).  He loves to watch movies, dress up as super heroes, pretend to be a spy, wrestle with his Daddy, ride his bike and play outside.  He is a master builder with Legos and blows me away with the way he can figure out how to construct things from looking at a picture or out of his imagination and knows exactly which pieces he needs to find down to the tiniest minuscule little one that he remembers that we have somewhere in our enormous vat of the overpriced pieces of plastic.  

Morgan is the one we had named 12 years before we actually got to hold him in our arms.  Super Rock Star and I longed for children many many years before the good Lord finally blessed us with this beautiful blue eyed wonder.  We had always agreed that if we got to have a son, we would name him Morgan.  From the day I laid eyes on him, I have been completely and unashamedly in love.  Getting to be a Momma is the biggest and best thing I have ever done.  After all the years of waiting, God did not disappoint. I love that even though I am still figuring out this whole "motherhood" thing and I mess up EVERY day, Morgan is so quick to forgive and in all of his tall long legged lankiness, he is still a little boy that loves to cuddle with his Momma and Daddy and I pray that NEVER changes.

But, Morgan hates school.  I don't mean a mild dislike.  I mean he HATES it.  Before my boys went to school, I would have learning times at home where I would read to them, do some sort of craft project, teach them their letters and numbers, do a music time (Momma had to get her 80's rock jam in somehow) and sometimes the occasional science experiment.   These times would never last more than an hour and it was a good way to introduce the idea of school to my little toddlers.  But, with Morgan, I saw early on that he liked to lead rather than follow.  He (like most toddlers) wanted to be in charge and choose what we did and how we did it.  His favorite phrase when I would correct him on anything he was learning was "But, this is how I  do it."  It was really cute when he was little, but unfortunately that same attitude has followed him into elementary school.  Most kids learn quickly that the teacher teaches and the kids are supposed to sit still and listen and do as their told.  Not so with Morgan.

Every year I have gotten to have the great privilege of teacher conferences, phone calls and yes, even the occasional principals office visit to discuss my child's behavior.  "He refuses to sit down when I'm teaching--what can we do?"or "I have to have Morgan sit by himself and not with the group because he is distracting to the other kids" or, my favorite  "I let him stand up during class because it seems he needs to, but then he starts doing Ninja kicks and diving under the desks." Every year has been the same--the grim faced teacher talking about his poor reading scores and how retention (fancy word I've learned that means they want to hold him back/repeat a grade) might be in his best interest, whispers of how they think he's not capable of sitting still and paying attention (teacher speak for --we think your son needs to be tested for ADHD), and it generally just making me feel like I've done something bad or that something is wrong with my child.

I can't even begin to tell you the tears I have cried, the anguish in my heart of frustration, the anger I have unfortunately expressed to him as I grasp at anything to find out why?  Why is he different from so many of the other kids? Why does he not care if he remembers how to spell all of his spelling words or has neat hand writing or gets a good grade on his math test? Why would he rather sit and stare into space than listen to his teacher teach and write down the answers on  fill in the blank work sheet? Why is he not even aware that making loud annoying sounds during class time is not OK and that it will always get him in trouble? Why is it so hard for him?

These are the questions I am asking myself today along with the biggest question of all--how do we help him? And by we I mean his teachers, his Daddy and me.  I have spent the last month asking so many folks questions and receiving so many different answers.  I love how much everyone cares, but the truth of the matter is that I feel angry that I even have to go through this.  I want someone to give me the antidote NOW. I want somebody to FIX him and I swing violently back and forth to feeling a deep compassion for Morgan and how miserable it must feel to have everyone angry and stern with him all the time to just wanting to just rattle him and scream "YOU have to make the decision to do things differently!!!!!" If I thought it would help I would.

But LOOK at him!! This child is WONDERFUL!  I cannot even express how much joy he brings us.  He is HAPPY, he is LOVING, he is SO MUCH FUN!

So the big question is WHAT?!! What IS it going to take? Do we become more strict and stern? Do we be permissive and patient? Do we hold him back? Do we put him on a education plan at school? Do we have him tested for ADHD and have him put on more drugs?  He was diagnosed with a form of epilepsy 3 years ago and has to take a prescription for that twice a day.  Is it this condition or the medicine he takes causing him to behave differently and have trouble sitting still and focusing? Do we change schools? Do I need to home school him? (I REALLY am scared of this one--I feel SO inept) All of these questions swarm around my brain causing me to fret and fuss and fight and feel like a complete loser because I honestly don't know the answer.

Then I remember.  God gave Morgan to US.  He didn't plant him in someone else's womb.  I am the chosen one who got to feel his little kicks inside my tummy.  I'm the one who got to nurse him and hold him late into the night.  Super Rock Star is the one who got to calm and comfort him and shush him when he would get fussy without explanation and then fall asleep with his little 5 1/2 pound body on his chest. 

Morgan is our gift from our good God that we waited so long for.  I have to trust and believe that HE knew what he was doing when he gave us the great privilege of being Morgan's parents.  I have to trust that he will give us the wisdom we need to navigate every difficulty we will face in raising both he and his brother.  I have to have faith that even though it is excruciating to watch my child suffer from all the anguish he is going through at school, that God WILL give us the answer and it will be the best solution for Morgan.  And I have to be willing to hold my hand open and allow the Lord to reach into my son's life and be his God so that Morgan will grow up to serve Him.  Not me.  Not his Daddy. Not his teachers or future bosses.  But to serve and worship God and become the man of God HE has created him to be.


Oh! This is SO HARD.  I feel so helpless and so inept and so unable.  Please Lord, give me strength and wisdom!

From the day of his birth my Mom marveled at Morgan's bright alert eyes and how they seemed to be really noticing and taking in this new world around him.( I joked around that he was already devising the ways he would try to rule the world).  He has always fought sleep because he just wants to build one more thing, sing one more song, watch one more show, or wrestle just one more minute.  He has always had a sweet nature and caring, tender heart.  When he feels happy he sings and makes up songs (just like his Daddy) when he gets hurt or feels upset he screams and throws a tantrum (just like his Momma). He loves to laugh and be silly and play with others.  He LOVES to enjoy life and he does.

All except school.  Oh, how I wish he would enjoy that part of his life too.