A tale of two boys Part 1

Momma's Log March 2, 2016 (Kwrp)

Meet Morgan.

Morgan is my oldest and will be turning 9 later this month.  I find that impossible since it seems I just gave birth to him yesterday.  As you can probably tell from his picture he is full of life, brightness, and a very happy child. He is also very funny, loves to laugh, has his own way of doing things, can be stubborn and hard headed (like his Daddy) and so sweet and caring (like his Momma).  He loves to watch movies, dress up as super heroes, pretend to be a spy, wrestle with his Daddy, ride his bike and play outside.  He is a master builder with Legos and blows me away with the way he can figure out how to construct things from looking at a picture or out of his imagination and knows exactly which pieces he needs to find down to the tiniest minuscule little one that he remembers that we have somewhere in our enormous vat of the overpriced pieces of plastic.  

Morgan is the one we had named 12 years before we actually got to hold him in our arms.  Super Rock Star and I longed for children many many years before the good Lord finally blessed us with this beautiful blue eyed wonder.  We had always agreed that if we got to have a son, we would name him Morgan.  From the day I laid eyes on him, I have been completely and unashamedly in love.  Getting to be a Momma is the biggest and best thing I have ever done.  After all the years of waiting, God did not disappoint. I love that even though I am still figuring out this whole "motherhood" thing and I mess up EVERY day, Morgan is so quick to forgive and in all of his tall long legged lankiness, he is still a little boy that loves to cuddle with his Momma and Daddy and I pray that NEVER changes.

But, Morgan hates school.  I don't mean a mild dislike.  I mean he HATES it.  Before my boys went to school, I would have learning times at home where I would read to them, do some sort of craft project, teach them their letters and numbers, do a music time (Momma had to get her 80's rock jam in somehow) and sometimes the occasional science experiment.   These times would never last more than an hour and it was a good way to introduce the idea of school to my little toddlers.  But, with Morgan, I saw early on that he liked to lead rather than follow.  He (like most toddlers) wanted to be in charge and choose what we did and how we did it.  His favorite phrase when I would correct him on anything he was learning was "But, this is how I  do it."  It was really cute when he was little, but unfortunately that same attitude has followed him into elementary school.  Most kids learn quickly that the teacher teaches and the kids are supposed to sit still and listen and do as their told.  Not so with Morgan.

Every year I have gotten to have the great privilege of teacher conferences, phone calls and yes, even the occasional principals office visit to discuss my child's behavior.  "He refuses to sit down when I'm teaching--what can we do?"or "I have to have Morgan sit by himself and not with the group because he is distracting to the other kids" or, my favorite  "I let him stand up during class because it seems he needs to, but then he starts doing Ninja kicks and diving under the desks." Every year has been the same--the grim faced teacher talking about his poor reading scores and how retention (fancy word I've learned that means they want to hold him back/repeat a grade) might be in his best interest, whispers of how they think he's not capable of sitting still and paying attention (teacher speak for --we think your son needs to be tested for ADHD), and it generally just making me feel like I've done something bad or that something is wrong with my child.

I can't even begin to tell you the tears I have cried, the anguish in my heart of frustration, the anger I have unfortunately expressed to him as I grasp at anything to find out why?  Why is he different from so many of the other kids? Why does he not care if he remembers how to spell all of his spelling words or has neat hand writing or gets a good grade on his math test? Why would he rather sit and stare into space than listen to his teacher teach and write down the answers on  fill in the blank work sheet? Why is he not even aware that making loud annoying sounds during class time is not OK and that it will always get him in trouble? Why is it so hard for him?

These are the questions I am asking myself today along with the biggest question of all--how do we help him? And by we I mean his teachers, his Daddy and me.  I have spent the last month asking so many folks questions and receiving so many different answers.  I love how much everyone cares, but the truth of the matter is that I feel angry that I even have to go through this.  I want someone to give me the antidote NOW. I want somebody to FIX him and I swing violently back and forth to feeling a deep compassion for Morgan and how miserable it must feel to have everyone angry and stern with him all the time to just wanting to just rattle him and scream "YOU have to make the decision to do things differently!!!!!" If I thought it would help I would.

But LOOK at him!! This child is WONDERFUL!  I cannot even express how much joy he brings us.  He is HAPPY, he is LOVING, he is SO MUCH FUN!

So the big question is WHAT?!! What IS it going to take? Do we become more strict and stern? Do we be permissive and patient? Do we hold him back? Do we put him on a education plan at school? Do we have him tested for ADHD and have him put on more drugs?  He was diagnosed with a form of epilepsy 3 years ago and has to take a prescription for that twice a day.  Is it this condition or the medicine he takes causing him to behave differently and have trouble sitting still and focusing? Do we change schools? Do I need to home school him? (I REALLY am scared of this one--I feel SO inept) All of these questions swarm around my brain causing me to fret and fuss and fight and feel like a complete loser because I honestly don't know the answer.

Then I remember.  God gave Morgan to US.  He didn't plant him in someone else's womb.  I am the chosen one who got to feel his little kicks inside my tummy.  I'm the one who got to nurse him and hold him late into the night.  Super Rock Star is the one who got to calm and comfort him and shush him when he would get fussy without explanation and then fall asleep with his little 5 1/2 pound body on his chest. 

Morgan is our gift from our good God that we waited so long for.  I have to trust and believe that HE knew what he was doing when he gave us the great privilege of being Morgan's parents.  I have to trust that he will give us the wisdom we need to navigate every difficulty we will face in raising both he and his brother.  I have to have faith that even though it is excruciating to watch my child suffer from all the anguish he is going through at school, that God WILL give us the answer and it will be the best solution for Morgan.  And I have to be willing to hold my hand open and allow the Lord to reach into my son's life and be his God so that Morgan will grow up to serve Him.  Not me.  Not his Daddy. Not his teachers or future bosses.  But to serve and worship God and become the man of God HE has created him to be.


Oh! This is SO HARD.  I feel so helpless and so inept and so unable.  Please Lord, give me strength and wisdom!

From the day of his birth my Mom marveled at Morgan's bright alert eyes and how they seemed to be really noticing and taking in this new world around him.( I joked around that he was already devising the ways he would try to rule the world).  He has always fought sleep because he just wants to build one more thing, sing one more song, watch one more show, or wrestle just one more minute.  He has always had a sweet nature and caring, tender heart.  When he feels happy he sings and makes up songs (just like his Daddy) when he gets hurt or feels upset he screams and throws a tantrum (just like his Momma). He loves to laugh and be silly and play with others.  He LOVES to enjoy life and he does.

All except school.  Oh, how I wish he would enjoy that part of his life too.