Update on Morgan

Momma's Log September 22, 2016 (Kwrp)

So, we're almost 2 months into the new school year and I realized that I had never given you all an update about all the issues Morgan was having last year in school.  The post I wrote back then started as just a musing over the profound differences between my two boys, but ended up with me pouring my heart out to you about my frustrations over how much he struggled in school.  If you want to read about it you can check it out here: http://jenglenn.blogspot.com/2016/03/a-tale-of-two-boys-part-1.html

To date, that blog post received the most communication and feedback from you all and I am SO grateful. I got so many private messages and comments and phone calls about either your own child's struggle with school or someone close to you. I was deeply touched by your willingness to share your trials with me and give me insights on some things to try and do.  I can't even begin to explain to you how your sharing and reaching out calmed me as I realized that-- not only was I not alone in all of this, but there were many options to explore that I had not even considered.

To take it back a bit--after nearly a year long struggle of his teacher and I racking our brains and trying different things; her listening to me crying out how much it hurt to see him struggle so much, me listening to her voice her frustrations over not finding much success with the things she WAS trying-- I finally called our pediatrician and begged for help.  He suggested a test -- really more of  a questionnaire that his teacher would fill out and Super Rock Star and I would fill out and give him a good view of Morgan's behavior at school vs. at home and be kind of like a preliminary ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) test.

I will never forget the meeting we had with him in going over the results.  He came in, sat down, looked us right in the eyes and said "So, we have all known Morgan since he was born, and none of the results of this test will be a surprise.  Does he have ADD? Maybe.....but then we ALL have ADD at some level or another.  What you guys want to know is what to do about it--so here are your options." He went on to list every option available (most were things many of you had suggested in your responses to me):

1. Home school him.  Morgan is probably a good candidate for homeschooling. Our Doctor looked directly at me and said " It means you, Jennifer, would be his teacher. Can you do it? Yes. Are you the best teacher for Morgan? Maybe. Maybe not."

***Keep in mind--he knows us.  He knows me.  Our visits haven't just been about him checking out our boys and keeping track of THEIR health.  He is always interested in how we are doing as parents too.  He has witnessed me in his examination room battling to keep Morgan quiet and occupied so that I can have a conversation.  And--just between you and me--home schooling has always been my "last frontier option".  I know many of you home school your kids and I admire you so much.  It is NOT an easy job.  At all.  My sister home schooled her 4 kids VERY successfully.   But, even with all of the wonderful encouragement you gave me about how easy it is and how wonderful it is--I think--deep inside--I know I'm not Morgan's best option. At least not right now.

***To give you a little deeper insight into my character and how it does not jive with being a good elementary school teacher--I often joke with their teachers that I could fix the whole "sit still and listen" battle with a roll of duct tape.  Most of them laugh.  Some give me that side ways look of a little alarm and  a nervous laugh ("is she SERIOUS?!") (ask my sister about one of the boys in her 3rd grade class.  The teacher duct taped his feet to the floor to get him to stop jumping up and distracting the class--nowadays that teacher would be put in prison) (It could work though--just sayin)

But, it does make me think that I'm not cut out for this teaching thing--even to my own kids. If it covers the basics--potty training, how to brush your teach, clean up and basic life skills--I got it covered.  But watching them puzzle out how to add, subtract, write, etc..that is WAY outside of my wheel house.
 
2.  Change schools.  This was something we agonized over for a LONG time.  I called school after school--asking about their curriculum, class sizes, expectations, etc.  Nearly all of them had the same curriculum as our current school. So, unless we were going to hold him back--I just couldn't see the benefit of uprooting he and his brother from what they knew on the hope that a change of scenery and environment would change the situation.  No, it seemed to me that the problem was not our school, teachers or environment--it was Morgan's BEHAVIOR which was the issue at hand.  That wasn't going to just go away.

3.  Hold him back a year. We rejected this option from the beginning --and thanks to my wonderful and magnificently talented professional educator cousin, Lori, I got the affirmation I needed.  She directed me to numerous articles and studies that basically prove that retention (holding back) at this grade level is more harmful than good.  In hind sight we probably should have held him back in kindergarten.  It would have been no big deal then. We knew that-- at this point-- it would hurt him emotionally and make him feel like even more of a failure.  The issue wasn't that Morgan couldn't learn what was being taught--it was that he couldn't seem to control his body for long enough periods of time to retain it.

***For the first couple years of his education I truly believed it was a maturity thing for him. "He's a boy with lot's of energy" I would tell myself.  "He'll grow out of it eventually and be just fine"  I VEHEMENTLY rejected the idea that he simply COULDN'T sit still and pay attention. I SO appreciate his teacher and teacher's assistant finally confronting me with the fact that they REALLY TRULY believed he couldn't help it.  They could see how smart he was, but they also could see that he just couldn't seem to control himself.  The tipping point for me came when his teacher told me that it wasn't just about him not sitting at his desk--she let a lot of her kids stand up to learn or sit where they were comfortable.  It was that he would act in very distracting ways too--diving under desks, rolling on the floor and just not focusing on any part of the teaching at all.  I had no idea it had gotten that bad.

4.  Medication. They have numerous choices now on medication for those that have ADD or ADHD. He could start on the lowest possible dose and then bump it up as needed.

***This is the option that terrified me the most.  I had spoken to so many folks who had been put on Ritalin as children and hated it.  They felt drowsy and it basically turned them into mindless drones.  When the Doctor mentioned all of the new options available (plus several of you had mentioned things I had never heard of and you had been seeing positive results)--it gave me hope that my sparky, laughter loving joy of a boy would not be changed into something else by trying out the medication.  What truly "sold" me on trying it was when our Doctor said these words to me:

"Jennifer, it's kind of like how you need your morning coffee when you wake up.  It helps clear away the cob webs and gets your brain ready to think clear thoughts so you can function for the day. That's what this medicine will do for Morgan.  It will help him focus so that he is not chasing after every thought and idea that pops into his brain, he will feel calm, and will be able to sit still."  To which I answered--"How many cases of this stuff can we order?" (I'm joking) (sort of).

Since there was only 8 weeks of school left, we determined it would be a great time to "test out" the medication route especially since Morgan's teacher had experienced so much difficulty. Since nothing else we had tried worked, it seemed like the perfect way to find out if this was going to be the best course of action for him.  We decided not to tell his teacher about it the first week-- I really wanted to KNOW if she saw a difference.  At the end of the week I just asked her how he had been.  Her answer--"You know, I was going to email you.  I don't know what happened, but he has been doing a much better job of sitting in his seat.  We haven't really had to remind him to do his work--he's just better at doing it."  When I told her that we had started him on some medication I could visibly see the relief in her face.  For me, it was proof that our "test" was taking us in the right direction.

Throughout the next few weeks I kept in good communication with most all of his teachers--they all had noticed a difference.  Morgan noticed a difference too.  All of a sudden he wasn't getting reprimanded every day and he was getting his work done--which helped him feel good about himself. An unexpected gift came in his social behavior.  I had not expected it to affect him in how he interacted with kids--but it did.  He had never been very good at making friends and all of a sudden he was getting along with kids he had been fighting with all year.  They were wanting to play with him and he wasn't feeling as angry and defensive as he had been.  I cannot even begin to TELL you how happy it made me feel to see him come home happy, head held up and babbling about what he did that day and who he played with.  It still makes my eyes well up with happy tears to see such a dramatic difference in how he improved so much--almost over night.

His teacher, Mrs. Ragsdale and her assistant Mrs. Gillmore deserve so much gratitude and praise.  They are two very strong, loving ladies who patiently worked with Morgan all year and helped this scared and confused Momma navigate the world of "when your child doesn't quite fit in".

Medication is a scary road to take no matter what it is for.  I know that the decision we made is not necessarily the right decision for everyone.  But, I am confident it is the right one for Morgan.  He doesn't have to be on the medication on the weekends, but we do-- just so there is some consistency to his life.  Plus, he's playing sports now and it has definitely had a positive impact on his ability to learn in that arena too.

The only side affect that we have noticed is that in the late afternoon he gets a little (sometimes a lot) emotional.  It's caused from his body coming down off the meds (kind of like I get pretty cranky when I need my afternoon cup of coffee).  It's usually pretty short lived and we try to remove the triggers that can antagonize him.

I really DID have to see it to believe it.  I am DEFINITELY a  believer now.  I'm sorry for those I disappointed in this decision--especially those that truly believed that home schooling was my best and only option.  I will tell you the truth.  After witnessing the positive changes in him this past few months, even if I do choose to home school him some day--he will still be on the medication.  I read with my boys and help them with homework every day.  Before Morgan was on medication he would move his books all around and couldn't keep still and worse he would scream in frustration because doing the work was so hard for him. Now, he sits perfectly still and gets it done.

Most days he is finishing his homework while he is at school.   Some day he will most likely outgrow his need to be on the medication, but even so--the doc said that many adults still choose to take some sort of ADD meds when they feel they need to.  I'm seriously thinking I may be a good candidate for some myself.  Ha!

Morgan is doing so great now.  Does he still hate school?  Not as much.  I don't think school will ever be his "thing"--and that's o.k. We, at least, have found a way for him to tolerate it and not feel like he's always swimming upstream. At the beginning of the year, I got a couple emails from his new teacher as she was learning about all the idiosyncrasies of her new students, but he has not had a single incident of bad behavior and last I checked he was getting awesome grades.

Thank you again for all of your encouraging words and insights.  Parenting is such a tough road.  My Dad has said it often "Kids don't come with instruction manuals".  That is SO true.  We're all just figuring this out as we go.  I'm grateful that you not only allowed me to share this particular struggle with you, but how you came to my side and walked it with me, prayed for Morgan and helped us navigate our way through.  God bless you for that!